How to Have a Tough Conversation (And Why We Avoid Them)
Mark McGraw shares the four steps for having a tough conversation with someone. He explains why most of us avoid conflict, how fear distorts reality, and what happens when we wait too long to speak up.
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Tune in to hear a powerful mindset shift, a simple 4-step conversation framework, and the surprising formula that will change how you approach confrontation forever.
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Mark explains how most of us struggle with confrontation. He admits he’s not naturally wired to lean into conflict, which makes it easy to avoid hard conversations. Over time, however, he realized avoidance only delays the inevitable and lets issues fester.
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Mark shares a personal breakthrough that changed how he approached difficult conversations.
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He was journaling one day when he had an insight that gave him the courage to face conflict head-on. That moment became a turning point in his leadership and personal growth.
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Mark breaks down the 10 x 10 = 100 Formula.
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The first "10"—you’re usually only seeing 10% of the real issue. If someone shows up late once, chances are it’s happened many times before you noticed. As a manager or leader, that small red flag often signals something much bigger under the surface.
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The "x10" represents how we blow the fear out of proportion. We convince ourselves the conversation will be tense, awkward, or damaging—10 times worse than it usually is. But when we finally address it, it’s rarely as difficult as we imagined.
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The "=100" is about how long we wait. Mark says most people delay tough conversations by 100 days or more. And the longer we wait, the more complicated and entrenched the issue becomes.
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Mark covers how to have a difficult conversation – Four Steps.
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How to start: "I feel that..." Begin with a clear, non-judgmental observation of the behavior. For example, “I feel that you’ve been showing up late to meetings regularly.”
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Next, give a specific example to back it up. Mark suggests saying something like, “For example, last Tuesday you arrived seven minutes late, and it disrupted the flow of the meeting.” Concrete details help the other person see what you’re seeing.
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Step three is to clearly state what you need. Say, “Here’s what I need from you,” and outline the new behavior you expect—like arriving five minutes early, ready to go. Make the expectation clear and actionable.
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Finally, explain the benefit: “As a result…” Let them know why it matters—how it impacts the team or the overall mission. For instance, “As a result of showing up on time, we’ll have more focus and flow in our meetings.”
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Mark explains that these four steps give structure to emotionally tricky conversations.
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They reduce ambiguity, minimize defensiveness, and allow everyone to walk away with clarity. And most importantly, they make it easier to speak up when it matters most.
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